I can't believe my last post was a month ago...but a lot has happened over this past month that has kept me from fully committing to a number of things, my blog for one. I was very optimistic going into 2011. It was a brand new year, and I had a brand new outlook - or at least I thought I did. 2010 was not the greatest year, between me returning back to school, my husband having to go on medical leave for 3 months to let his elbows heal and regain some strength, me scrambling to find a p/t job to help supplement income and still keeping up with being a PartyLite independent consultant, and then me missing almost the entire first month of the fall semester because all the stress made me sick to my stomach (literally)....
2011 was supposed to be a new beginning, but shadows from the past managed to creep back in. I was not myself. I felt down and out. I had trouble sleeping, even with sleeping pills. There were nights where I would lie in bed all night, only to fall asleep at 8 am. I was just plain exhausted. I cancelled plans because I didn't feel like getting out of bed, let alone leave the house. I got irritated easily, snapping back for no good reason. On top of feeling lousy and tired, I was (and still am) incredibly anxious. I have managed to keep myself from having a panic attack this last month, but am having a hell of a time calming myself down. My short-term memory was fuzzy (still is a bit, but better) and I had a hard time concentrating on any one thing for a good period of time. I started to write things down so I wouldn't forget, but would forget where I had written it down. So I turned to my phone to give me notifications about appointments, even just simple tasks like calling this place or that.
Needless to say, school was not viable in this state of mind (or work for that matter). It was a hard decision, since I have only 6 courses left to complete my Bachelor of Commerce degree, but I withdrew from school for this semester. I have every intention on going back in the fall, however it means that we had to make changes to our future plans. And I know that my husband understands, but I can't help but feel guilty sometimes. Things happen for a reason, it's just hard to see that now.
Hopefully, things will turn around. I've started to meditate Wednesday and hope to keep up with it everyday to deal with my anxiety. And so the search for balance continues....As they say, namaste ;)
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Friday, February 11, 2011
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 Retrospective - We Survived!
As 2010 comes to a close, I feel the need to look back before looking forward. 2010 was a rough year on my hubby, Craig, and me. And it would be fairly easy to focus only on the negatives, but there were some positives this year. Positives that I take for granted, as they get lost amongst all the negatives.
2010 started with a lifestyle change, as I returned to school after being in the workforce for about 6-7 years. I went back to finish my Bachelor of Commerce degree, and I was excited! We both knew that sacrifices would have to be made, going from 2 incomes to 1. I just didn't know how much my income made life so much easier for us financially. No more impulsive purchases, everything had to be planned. Easier said than done.
The stress of being back in school caught up with me in March, and I had blinding headaches for a month. I still managed to keep my grades up though! I even had one professor offer a letter of reference if I decided to pursue graduate school! That just blew my mind! Graduate school hadn't even crossed my mind; I just wanted to finish my degree.
I became a PartyLite Consultant back in Dec 2009, in the hopes to supplement our income. It's been an up and down adventure. I've learned a lot about myself and running a business. I still haven't got it figured out yet, but I've met some amazing people, in person and online on FB, that I wouldn't have if I wasn't a consultant!
However, in June, my focus changed from supplementing income to finding stable income as Craig went on short-term disability for 3 months. Not only were we living on one income, that one income was now reduced. But finding a part-time job was not easy. I finally found one in July, but hours were dependent on events going on and the pay was lousy. I stuck it out until the end of August, when I couldn't take it anymore! The stress of worrying about Craig's well-being, lack of finances, combined with returning back to school led to myself giving myself an ulcer - which lasted almost 2 months. As a result, I missed a lot of classes and this semester was not up to my standards. It took me a while, but I've come to accept this fact and not beat myself up over it.
It hasn't been an easy year for Craig either. May, he tore his hamstring (it was black and ugly-looking). June, he fractured his left elbow and displaced his right elbow, making him unable to work. Plenty of visits to the orthopedic surgeon and the physiotherapist. The last visit to the orthopedic surgeon was 3 weeks ago, and finally we received good news! No surgery required and no more physio as the fracture is 80% healed! We'll overlook the fact that he pulled his calf 2 weeks ago..LOL!
So looking back, we survived a year of a lot of adversity! The positives may have also got lost in this post, so I'll finish off with it (in no particular order):
2010 started with a lifestyle change, as I returned to school after being in the workforce for about 6-7 years. I went back to finish my Bachelor of Commerce degree, and I was excited! We both knew that sacrifices would have to be made, going from 2 incomes to 1. I just didn't know how much my income made life so much easier for us financially. No more impulsive purchases, everything had to be planned. Easier said than done.
The stress of being back in school caught up with me in March, and I had blinding headaches for a month. I still managed to keep my grades up though! I even had one professor offer a letter of reference if I decided to pursue graduate school! That just blew my mind! Graduate school hadn't even crossed my mind; I just wanted to finish my degree.
I became a PartyLite Consultant back in Dec 2009, in the hopes to supplement our income. It's been an up and down adventure. I've learned a lot about myself and running a business. I still haven't got it figured out yet, but I've met some amazing people, in person and online on FB, that I wouldn't have if I wasn't a consultant!
However, in June, my focus changed from supplementing income to finding stable income as Craig went on short-term disability for 3 months. Not only were we living on one income, that one income was now reduced. But finding a part-time job was not easy. I finally found one in July, but hours were dependent on events going on and the pay was lousy. I stuck it out until the end of August, when I couldn't take it anymore! The stress of worrying about Craig's well-being, lack of finances, combined with returning back to school led to myself giving myself an ulcer - which lasted almost 2 months. As a result, I missed a lot of classes and this semester was not up to my standards. It took me a while, but I've come to accept this fact and not beat myself up over it.
It hasn't been an easy year for Craig either. May, he tore his hamstring (it was black and ugly-looking). June, he fractured his left elbow and displaced his right elbow, making him unable to work. Plenty of visits to the orthopedic surgeon and the physiotherapist. The last visit to the orthopedic surgeon was 3 weeks ago, and finally we received good news! No surgery required and no more physio as the fracture is 80% healed! We'll overlook the fact that he pulled his calf 2 weeks ago..LOL!
So looking back, we survived a year of a lot of adversity! The positives may have also got lost in this post, so I'll finish off with it (in no particular order):
- I'm one semester away from finishing my degree!
- Craig's almost healed!
- We were able to spend the summer together!
- I've met some amazing people because of being involved in PartyLite!
- Our marriage has grown stronger by surviving all this adversity!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
It's Always Nice to Hear Kind Words
"Sometimes in life, what is, is good. And what is good, is good enough."*Sigh* After the semi-meltdown last night, I have been met with kind words of support. Thank you to Nanny Anna for leaving the comment you did - it's nice to know that someone else has gone through what I'm struggling with and was successful in changing that train of thought.
I am realizing what's behind my way of thinking and I'm slowly trying to correct it. Actually, I've realized two things which both set me up for failure (both learned while I was growing up - though I'm not that old!)
- No matter what I achieved, it was never good enough. When I reached the bar that was set, it kept getting raised.
- I've learned to be dependent on others to function.
So I am back to celebrating the invite I received yesterday! =)
Can't Sleep...Too Much on My Mind
It's been a while since I've posted and since I can't sleep, I thought now's a good time to write and maybe it'll help. Don't mind me as I ramble on.
There are some nights when I have no idea why I'm still wide awake. And there are nights like these when I know exactly why I'm awake. I tend to do most of my thinking (and worrying) at night - when the house is quiet and the only thing I here are my own thoughts. There are plenty of nights where I wish I could just shut off all thoughts that go through my mind. Tonight is one of those nights.
For those who know me, you will know that I feel guilty about anything and everything. I've been told that I always see the glass as half-empty, and that I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, whether it was in my control or not. I fixate on what went wrong instead celebrating what went right. I'm working on it, but it's going to be a lot of work when you lived most of your life thinking this way. Again, my way of thinking is being tested and I am reverting back to my negative train of thought. That's why I'm awake, as it's eating away at me.
Today, in the mail, I received an invitation from Grant MacEwan to join their inaugural chapter of the Golden Key International Honour Society for my academic achievement! I was so surprised and excited and proud at the same time! I couldn't believe what I was reading! I showed the letter to my mom and my hubby, I was so happy! But then my mind took over and sabotaged my moment of pride. This invitation is based on my academic standing now, and does not include this semester. If they would've included this semester....well let's just say I wouldn't have received the invite. It's been a horrible semester - one I'll be lucky to survive.
So rather than be proud of what I've achieved over the course of basically my adult life (MacEwan has credited courses I took back in 2000), I'm focused on the failure that is this semester and can't help feeling like a fraud. I even accepted the invite right away, because I thought that way they couldn't take it away from me. Now all I can think about is the chapter inauguration event next Feb (I believe) and feeling like I don't belong, like I'm some kind of fraud.
I know my grades are going to take a hit after this semester. And I know it's not the end of the world, but I can't help but feel like I've let my family down and most importantly, I let myself down. My family's made a lot of sacrifices in order for me to return to school. Part of me knows the reason why this semester is not up to my standards is due to missing 1 1/2 months of classes because I was sick, and a couple other reasons. But the negative me keeps telling myself that those are just excuses and that I'm responsible for the situation that I'm in. This is the part of me I'm working on but it's overwhelming me right now.
I am trying to keep the Serenity Prayer in my mind, as a way to redirect the negative thoughts, but it doesn't seem to be working.
There are some nights when I have no idea why I'm still wide awake. And there are nights like these when I know exactly why I'm awake. I tend to do most of my thinking (and worrying) at night - when the house is quiet and the only thing I here are my own thoughts. There are plenty of nights where I wish I could just shut off all thoughts that go through my mind. Tonight is one of those nights.
For those who know me, you will know that I feel guilty about anything and everything. I've been told that I always see the glass as half-empty, and that I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, whether it was in my control or not. I fixate on what went wrong instead celebrating what went right. I'm working on it, but it's going to be a lot of work when you lived most of your life thinking this way. Again, my way of thinking is being tested and I am reverting back to my negative train of thought. That's why I'm awake, as it's eating away at me.
Today, in the mail, I received an invitation from Grant MacEwan to join their inaugural chapter of the Golden Key International Honour Society for my academic achievement! I was so surprised and excited and proud at the same time! I couldn't believe what I was reading! I showed the letter to my mom and my hubby, I was so happy! But then my mind took over and sabotaged my moment of pride. This invitation is based on my academic standing now, and does not include this semester. If they would've included this semester....well let's just say I wouldn't have received the invite. It's been a horrible semester - one I'll be lucky to survive.
So rather than be proud of what I've achieved over the course of basically my adult life (MacEwan has credited courses I took back in 2000), I'm focused on the failure that is this semester and can't help feeling like a fraud. I even accepted the invite right away, because I thought that way they couldn't take it away from me. Now all I can think about is the chapter inauguration event next Feb (I believe) and feeling like I don't belong, like I'm some kind of fraud.
I know my grades are going to take a hit after this semester. And I know it's not the end of the world, but I can't help but feel like I've let my family down and most importantly, I let myself down. My family's made a lot of sacrifices in order for me to return to school. Part of me knows the reason why this semester is not up to my standards is due to missing 1 1/2 months of classes because I was sick, and a couple other reasons. But the negative me keeps telling myself that those are just excuses and that I'm responsible for the situation that I'm in. This is the part of me I'm working on but it's overwhelming me right now.
I am trying to keep the Serenity Prayer in my mind, as a way to redirect the negative thoughts, but it doesn't seem to be working.
- God, grant me the serenity
- To accept the things I cannot change;
- Courage to change the things I can;
- And wisdom to know the difference.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Been MIA - last post was Nov 25 yikes!
A lot has happened since Nov 25, which kept me away from sitting down to write. I've been struggling to keep everything balanced - the point of this blog (though it may not always seem like it). I started this blog with the intention of helping myself, and thought that maybe someone out there could relate and know someone else is going through it too.
I have many thoughts that run through my head - constantly. I've learnt (the hard way) that everyone has their limits. And I don't mean that in a bad way, there's only so much one person can do. I've learnt over the years that I hold onto stuff for too long, that I feel guilty about everything that doesn't go right, and that I blame myself without looking at the circumstances. I've weighed myself down with burdens, real and perceived. I've tried to control things that weren't in my control. I am slowly letting go of that negative thinking - slowly, but I'm getting there.
However, this past week and a half really tested me and my way of thinking. On Saturday, Nov 27, I had a PartyLite Party for one of my friends. I had been looking forward to it all month! She and I had worked at the place that my husband still works at. But before the party, she told me that a former coworker of my husband's had been killed in a car crash the day before. I was shocked. I didn't know him, but he had worked with my husband as well as my friend. On Sunday, Nov 28, I was a vendor at my very first trade show and had a lot of fun! A couple bumps in the road but I'll be more prepared next time. I was just about to walk in the door from being on my feet for almost 8 hours, when my husband sent me a message saying that his aunt had just passed away. We knew she didn't have much time left as the cancer on her spine had spread. I never had the chance to meet her, as she lived on the other side of the country in New Brunswick, but she did send us something when we got married and Christmas cards.
It was hard the next couple of days (still is). I had homework to do but couldn't concentrate on. I couldn't focus on deadlines, forgot an appointment, and just wasn't very productive in a time when I needed to be (I have 2 days of classes left before final exams - eeks!). I've spent A LOT of time on Facebook to distract myself. I've experienced a roller coaster of emotions - excitement, grief, panic, guilt. My husband has been busy working, and has shown some emotion but not a lot. Me? I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Him? Not so much. That's the way he is, plus I know he doesn't want to add to my worries. But I will be there if and when he needs me.
I know I'm lucky to have married a guy like him. He's willing to take the weight of the world off my shoulders and put it on his. And I'm grateful for all that he does for me. But part of me thinks we should share the load.
Okay, I've rambled on long enough for now. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
I have many thoughts that run through my head - constantly. I've learnt (the hard way) that everyone has their limits. And I don't mean that in a bad way, there's only so much one person can do. I've learnt over the years that I hold onto stuff for too long, that I feel guilty about everything that doesn't go right, and that I blame myself without looking at the circumstances. I've weighed myself down with burdens, real and perceived. I've tried to control things that weren't in my control. I am slowly letting go of that negative thinking - slowly, but I'm getting there.
However, this past week and a half really tested me and my way of thinking. On Saturday, Nov 27, I had a PartyLite Party for one of my friends. I had been looking forward to it all month! She and I had worked at the place that my husband still works at. But before the party, she told me that a former coworker of my husband's had been killed in a car crash the day before. I was shocked. I didn't know him, but he had worked with my husband as well as my friend. On Sunday, Nov 28, I was a vendor at my very first trade show and had a lot of fun! A couple bumps in the road but I'll be more prepared next time. I was just about to walk in the door from being on my feet for almost 8 hours, when my husband sent me a message saying that his aunt had just passed away. We knew she didn't have much time left as the cancer on her spine had spread. I never had the chance to meet her, as she lived on the other side of the country in New Brunswick, but she did send us something when we got married and Christmas cards.
It was hard the next couple of days (still is). I had homework to do but couldn't concentrate on. I couldn't focus on deadlines, forgot an appointment, and just wasn't very productive in a time when I needed to be (I have 2 days of classes left before final exams - eeks!). I've spent A LOT of time on Facebook to distract myself. I've experienced a roller coaster of emotions - excitement, grief, panic, guilt. My husband has been busy working, and has shown some emotion but not a lot. Me? I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Him? Not so much. That's the way he is, plus I know he doesn't want to add to my worries. But I will be there if and when he needs me.
I know I'm lucky to have married a guy like him. He's willing to take the weight of the world off my shoulders and put it on his. And I'm grateful for all that he does for me. But part of me thinks we should share the load.
Okay, I've rambled on long enough for now. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
Friday, November 19, 2010
There are Still Some Decent People Around!
Well here in Edmonton, AB, we just had our first major snowfall of winter! This makes driving a little more treacherous, as my brother found out tonight. His car was parked on the side street (along with others). He started work at midnight and thought he would warm up his car before heading to work. He headed out only to find that his car had been rear-ended up onto the sidewalk. We're not sure when it happened but the guy who did it was nice enough to leave my brother a note saying he was heading to the police station to report the accident, left his phone number, license plate, fleet car # (it was a company vehicle) and his name.
I thought that was really nice of him to leave my brother a note and went through all the steps necessary when an accident occurs. Actually, I'm really impressed. The skeptic in me believes that some people would have just kept on driving. It just goes to show you that there are still some decent people in this world.
I thought that was really nice of him to leave my brother a note and went through all the steps necessary when an accident occurs. Actually, I'm really impressed. The skeptic in me believes that some people would have just kept on driving. It just goes to show you that there are still some decent people in this world.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
All Over the Place!
If it seems like my posts are all over the place, that's because my mind's all over the place! 2 1/2 weeks left of school - 2 research papers, a case analysis, and a stats lab exam! Not sure how I'm going to pull this off but hopefully I will. Then final exams; but at least I have 5 days from the last day of class to my first final. I'll need the break and the time to brush up.
School is my #1 priority, but not my only priority. I have plenty going on with my PartyLite! I found during this semester going to school and working part-time was just too much. So after plenty of discussion with my husband, Craig, we decided it was better for me to drop the part-time job. And I love that he was willing to pick up the financial slack by working every chance he got, even though he's still rehabbing that fractured left elbow (poor guy)! However, my guilt complex kicks in. So I've also been focusing on my PartyLite business! I have a home party next Saturday and a trade show the next day! I'm looking forward to it, but am having trouble balancing school and PartyLite. So I've made the decision that I will take the weekends off from promoting on my FB PartyLite page - we'll see if I can stick to that! Lol! And maybe Wednesdays....I still want to be able to connect with my fans but not the expense of my schoolwork and my sanity!
Thanks for sticking by me!
School is my #1 priority, but not my only priority. I have plenty going on with my PartyLite! I found during this semester going to school and working part-time was just too much. So after plenty of discussion with my husband, Craig, we decided it was better for me to drop the part-time job. And I love that he was willing to pick up the financial slack by working every chance he got, even though he's still rehabbing that fractured left elbow (poor guy)! However, my guilt complex kicks in. So I've also been focusing on my PartyLite business! I have a home party next Saturday and a trade show the next day! I'm looking forward to it, but am having trouble balancing school and PartyLite. So I've made the decision that I will take the weekends off from promoting on my FB PartyLite page - we'll see if I can stick to that! Lol! And maybe Wednesdays....I still want to be able to connect with my fans but not the expense of my schoolwork and my sanity!
Thanks for sticking by me!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Time to Reconnect!
Wow! I didn't realize it's been a week since I last posted! So I thought it's about time to reconnect - on more than one front. I hope you're doing well, and have at least started Christmas shopping since it's just around the corner! But let's not have that overshadow the day that is Thursday, Remembrance Day. Remember to wear a poppy in remembrance of those who have fought for our freedom.
Okay, so I did say I needed to reconnect on more than one front. The most important person I need to reconnect with is my husband, Craig. It's been over a month since we've spent any quality time together. Between me trying to catch up at school and Craig working full-time AND part-time for the past month didn't leave us much time. While I'm grateful that I have such a great husband who was willing to work at the part-time job everyday he was off from his full-time job just to take the financial burden off of me, it put a bit of a strain on our marriage. It got to the point to where the only way we would find out what was going out with each other was Facebook! Or through my mom (she gives Craig a ride to work when he works at 6 am - buses don't run early enough).
I'm still overwhelmed by school, but at least I'll have my husband back - well starting Wednesday that is! Ahhh, it'll be nice to have some sense of normalcy again.
Okay, so I did say I needed to reconnect on more than one front. The most important person I need to reconnect with is my husband, Craig. It's been over a month since we've spent any quality time together. Between me trying to catch up at school and Craig working full-time AND part-time for the past month didn't leave us much time. While I'm grateful that I have such a great husband who was willing to work at the part-time job everyday he was off from his full-time job just to take the financial burden off of me, it put a bit of a strain on our marriage. It got to the point to where the only way we would find out what was going out with each other was Facebook! Or through my mom (she gives Craig a ride to work when he works at 6 am - buses don't run early enough).
I'm still overwhelmed by school, but at least I'll have my husband back - well starting Wednesday that is! Ahhh, it'll be nice to have some sense of normalcy again.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
8 Years....
It was 8 years ago today, but I will never forget that day. The day I lost my father to pancreatic cancer. We knew the day was coming, but it was still a shock when it happened. He was diagnosed in Dec 2001, and was given 2 months to a year. It was too advanced for any kind of treatment. He lasted 10 months after the diagnosis. He did not change after the diagnosis, which I've come to admire. He lived his life as he normally did; smoking, gambling, and going out with friends. He did not let his disease defeat him.
As I said, we knew the day was coming. I just didn't know that it would happen so fast. 4 or 5 years prior, his best friend (one of my godfathers - I have more than one) battled cancer as well and was in the Cross Cancer Institute for about 3 months before passing away. We visited many times.
My dad was admitted to St Joseph's Auxiliary Hospital on Thursday, Oct 17. I wasn't able to see him on the Friday - at the time I was going to school full-time (just like I am now!) and then I worked 6:30-3:30 am. It's something I look back on and regret not taking the day off because that was the day he lost his voice. Saturday I went to see him, but I was tired from working the night before so I went home to take a nap. I came back Saturday night and along with my mom and my brother, stayed the night. However, Sunday morning his health took a turn for the worse and he had his Last Rites read. It was a long, somber, tiring day. My brother and I were hungry since we hadn't eaten lunch, so we headed to the Burger King a couple blocks away at around 7 pm. 15 minutes later, we got the call to head back quickly. We ran back as fast as we could but it was too late. My dad passed away at 7:20 pm, with only my mom in the room. He had asked where we were (my mom read his lips) before passing away.
For the longest time, I beat myself up for not thinking of just picking up burgers and heading back. I kept thinking that my mom was left all alone, and that we missed his last moments. It's taken a long time, but I've learned to forgive myself. I don't think of it as my mom was left alone, I think of it as my dad had someone by his side. And we couldn't have known what time was his time.
Of course, it's been a struggle. After he passed away, I was so distraught I stayed in bed for the next month. I didn't eat, didn't go to school, barely worked. I didn't even noticed how much weight I lost until one of my mom's friends pointed it out to her. I had dropped to 100 pounds. You could see it in my face from my college grad pics; my cheeks were a bit sunk in (not my fave pics). Days like his birthday, death anniversary, Father's Day are tough days. One of the toughest days was the day I married my wonderful husband. Even though getting married was the happiest day of my life, it was still tough not having him walk down the aisle. I had my mom and my brother walk me down, which made it a bit easier, but I did not hear the music playing (the song I chose to walk to), I had people reminding me to smile. I was just too busy concentrating on getting to the end of the aisle, though when I got there, I still burst into tears. But he was there with me, as he's always there with me.
Just today, he played a prank on me! I knew it was him because it's happened to me before. Today, I found that my student ID (also my bus pass) was in my back pocket. However, it was not in the plastic holder I always have it in, along with my SPC card. I panicked for a minute but eventually found it in my jacket pocket. I never take my ID out of that holder, but somehow it got separated. That's my dad for you!
It's days like this that make me appreciate life and helps me focus on what I have, instead of what I don't. I have a loving and supportive family, as well as good friends; what more could a person need?
As I said, we knew the day was coming. I just didn't know that it would happen so fast. 4 or 5 years prior, his best friend (one of my godfathers - I have more than one) battled cancer as well and was in the Cross Cancer Institute for about 3 months before passing away. We visited many times.
My dad was admitted to St Joseph's Auxiliary Hospital on Thursday, Oct 17. I wasn't able to see him on the Friday - at the time I was going to school full-time (just like I am now!) and then I worked 6:30-3:30 am. It's something I look back on and regret not taking the day off because that was the day he lost his voice. Saturday I went to see him, but I was tired from working the night before so I went home to take a nap. I came back Saturday night and along with my mom and my brother, stayed the night. However, Sunday morning his health took a turn for the worse and he had his Last Rites read. It was a long, somber, tiring day. My brother and I were hungry since we hadn't eaten lunch, so we headed to the Burger King a couple blocks away at around 7 pm. 15 minutes later, we got the call to head back quickly. We ran back as fast as we could but it was too late. My dad passed away at 7:20 pm, with only my mom in the room. He had asked where we were (my mom read his lips) before passing away.
For the longest time, I beat myself up for not thinking of just picking up burgers and heading back. I kept thinking that my mom was left all alone, and that we missed his last moments. It's taken a long time, but I've learned to forgive myself. I don't think of it as my mom was left alone, I think of it as my dad had someone by his side. And we couldn't have known what time was his time.
Of course, it's been a struggle. After he passed away, I was so distraught I stayed in bed for the next month. I didn't eat, didn't go to school, barely worked. I didn't even noticed how much weight I lost until one of my mom's friends pointed it out to her. I had dropped to 100 pounds. You could see it in my face from my college grad pics; my cheeks were a bit sunk in (not my fave pics). Days like his birthday, death anniversary, Father's Day are tough days. One of the toughest days was the day I married my wonderful husband. Even though getting married was the happiest day of my life, it was still tough not having him walk down the aisle. I had my mom and my brother walk me down, which made it a bit easier, but I did not hear the music playing (the song I chose to walk to), I had people reminding me to smile. I was just too busy concentrating on getting to the end of the aisle, though when I got there, I still burst into tears. But he was there with me, as he's always there with me.
Just today, he played a prank on me! I knew it was him because it's happened to me before. Today, I found that my student ID (also my bus pass) was in my back pocket. However, it was not in the plastic holder I always have it in, along with my SPC card. I panicked for a minute but eventually found it in my jacket pocket. I never take my ID out of that holder, but somehow it got separated. That's my dad for you!
It's days like this that make me appreciate life and helps me focus on what I have, instead of what I don't. I have a loving and supportive family, as well as good friends; what more could a person need?
Burnout
I thought I would try my hand at writing about different struggles and hardships in my life. All of these situations have shaped me in one way or another. Maybe you'll be able to relate to it in one way or another. Here is just a snippet:
What Did I Just Do?
By no means am I a writer, but I thought this might be helpful for my own sense of well-being (and maybe for some of you out there).
Let me know what you think.
What Did I Just Do?
By no means am I a writer, but I thought this might be helpful for my own sense of well-being (and maybe for some of you out there).
Let me know what you think.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Balancing is Harder than I Thought!
I thought with the long weekend that I would be able to catch up on things, mainly school. I was wrong!
Friday night, I attended a surprise 70th birthday party for my godmother. Craig was working, so I went with my mom. It was fun, with the games they played, etc. But my goodness was there a lot of kids running around. And that led to the first question most people asked - "Any kids yet?" ("No, not yet.") "Where's your husband?" ("Working") was the 2nd question. Funny how that works out. The response to the "No kids yet" was split into either: "Why not?" or "That's good. You're still young." I prefer the latter, because it doesn't require a long explanation from me.
I had to get up early on Saturday for an appointment, but as soon as that was over, I headed back to bed and slept til noon. I didn't do much on Saturday, other than relaxed and watch TV. Even though I knew we had Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws on Sunday, it was at 4 pm so I thought I'll just study beforehand.
Well, Sunday didn't quite go as planned. I slept in til noon (I love sleeping in! The day should start at noon or 1 anyway.) That gave me 4 hours til we headed to the in-laws. I thought that still gives me time - wrong! My mom wanted me to run errands with her and we didn't get home until around 3. And even though I slept til noon, I was tired when we got home so I headed to bed until we had to leave. Thanksgiving dinner was good, and we had a good time with the in-laws.
I slept in again on Monday, and put studying off until after Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Talk about procrastinating! And yes, I know it's better to study here and there instead of trying to cram the night before but that's just the way it turned out. I spent 4 1/2 hours just studying for this morning's midterm - which wasn't all that hard - and still didn't cover all the material on the exam. I woke up early today (only because Craig had work at 9; my midterm was at 9:30) and quickly skimmed over the remaining material.
Needless to say, I didn't accomplish anywhere near what I wanted to accomplish on the long weekend. I know my priorities, but it just hasn't been working out. You think by now, I would have school figured out but it's different this time around. Last time, Craig and I were dating. Now, we're married and the decisions we make have more of an impact. I'm just glad he's been so supportive and realizes that a part-time job is a little too much for me to take on (even though it would help financially). I'm still technically employed but I haven't had any hours for the last couple weeks. Things could be a lot worse. Slowly, I'm finding out what my limitations are - I wish I could do it all though.
Friday night, I attended a surprise 70th birthday party for my godmother. Craig was working, so I went with my mom. It was fun, with the games they played, etc. But my goodness was there a lot of kids running around. And that led to the first question most people asked - "Any kids yet?" ("No, not yet.") "Where's your husband?" ("Working") was the 2nd question. Funny how that works out. The response to the "No kids yet" was split into either: "Why not?" or "That's good. You're still young." I prefer the latter, because it doesn't require a long explanation from me.
I had to get up early on Saturday for an appointment, but as soon as that was over, I headed back to bed and slept til noon. I didn't do much on Saturday, other than relaxed and watch TV. Even though I knew we had Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws on Sunday, it was at 4 pm so I thought I'll just study beforehand.
Well, Sunday didn't quite go as planned. I slept in til noon (I love sleeping in! The day should start at noon or 1 anyway.) That gave me 4 hours til we headed to the in-laws. I thought that still gives me time - wrong! My mom wanted me to run errands with her and we didn't get home until around 3. And even though I slept til noon, I was tired when we got home so I headed to bed until we had to leave. Thanksgiving dinner was good, and we had a good time with the in-laws.
I slept in again on Monday, and put studying off until after Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Talk about procrastinating! And yes, I know it's better to study here and there instead of trying to cram the night before but that's just the way it turned out. I spent 4 1/2 hours just studying for this morning's midterm - which wasn't all that hard - and still didn't cover all the material on the exam. I woke up early today (only because Craig had work at 9; my midterm was at 9:30) and quickly skimmed over the remaining material.
Needless to say, I didn't accomplish anywhere near what I wanted to accomplish on the long weekend. I know my priorities, but it just hasn't been working out. You think by now, I would have school figured out but it's different this time around. Last time, Craig and I were dating. Now, we're married and the decisions we make have more of an impact. I'm just glad he's been so supportive and realizes that a part-time job is a little too much for me to take on (even though it would help financially). I'm still technically employed but I haven't had any hours for the last couple weeks. Things could be a lot worse. Slowly, I'm finding out what my limitations are - I wish I could do it all though.
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