Saturday, December 11, 2010

Can't Sleep...Too Much on My Mind

It's been a while since I've posted and since I can't sleep, I thought now's a good time to write and maybe it'll help.  Don't mind me as I ramble on.

There are some nights when I have no idea why I'm still wide awake.  And there are nights like these when I know exactly why I'm awake.  I tend to do most of my thinking (and worrying) at night - when the house is quiet and the only thing I here are my own thoughts.  There are plenty of nights where I wish I could just shut off all thoughts that go through my mind.  Tonight is one of those nights.

For those who know me, you will know that I feel guilty about anything and everything.  I've been told that I always see the glass as half-empty, and that I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, whether it was in my control or not.  I fixate on what went wrong instead celebrating what went right.  I'm working on it, but it's going to be a lot of work when you lived most of your life thinking this way.  Again, my way of thinking is being tested and I am reverting back to my negative train of thought.  That's why I'm awake, as it's eating away at me.

Today, in the mail, I received an invitation from Grant MacEwan to join their inaugural chapter of the Golden Key International Honour Society for my academic achievement!  I was so surprised and excited and proud at the same time!  I couldn't believe what I was reading!  I showed the letter to my mom and my hubby, I was so happy!  But then my mind took over and sabotaged my moment of pride.  This invitation is based on my academic standing now, and does not include this semester.  If they would've included this semester....well let's just say I wouldn't have received the invite.  It's been a horrible semester - one I'll be lucky to survive.

So rather than be proud of what I've achieved over the course of basically my adult life (MacEwan has credited courses I took back in 2000), I'm focused on the failure that is this semester and can't help feeling like a fraud.  I even accepted the invite right away, because I thought that way they couldn't take it away from me.  Now all I can think about is the chapter inauguration event next Feb (I believe) and feeling like I don't belong, like I'm some kind of fraud. 

I know my grades are going to take a hit after this semester.  And I know it's not the end of the world, but I can't help but feel like I've let my family down and most importantly, I let myself down.  My family's made a lot of sacrifices in order for me to return to school.  Part of me knows the reason why this semester is not up to my standards is due to missing 1 1/2 months of classes because I was sick, and a couple other reasons.  But the negative me keeps telling myself that those are just excuses and that I'm responsible for the situation that I'm in.  This is the part of me I'm working on but it's overwhelming me right now.

I am trying to keep the Serenity Prayer in my mind, as a way to redirect the negative thoughts, but it doesn't seem to be working.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

1 comment:

  1. Aileen,

    You sound alot like me...well the old me. The co-dependent me that feels responsible for everything, even if I have zero involvement in it. Of course you only feel responsible for the negative things. You don't allow equal responsibility for positive outcomes.

    It took me many years of working on that guilt/responsibility issue but I think I have a good grip on it now, although on occasion the guilt is my first response and I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for everything.

    I suggest that you accept this invitation with the pride you initially felt. Use this as a kick in the butt to get yourself back where you were, not a kick in the butt because you fell behind for reasons beyond your control. You are only human my dear. Give yourself a hug and let the guilt go.

    HUGS from me to get you started :) You have every reason to be so proud of your accomplishments!