Friday, February 11, 2011

Wow! It's been a month since my last post...

I can't believe my last post was a month ago...but a lot has happened over this past month that has kept me from fully committing to a number of things, my blog for one.  I was very optimistic going into 2011.  It was a brand new year, and I had a brand new outlook - or at least I thought I did.  2010 was not the greatest year, between me returning back to school, my husband having to go on medical leave for 3 months to let his elbows heal and regain some strength, me scrambling to find a p/t job to help supplement income and still keeping up with being a PartyLite independent consultant, and then me missing almost the entire first month of the fall semester because all the stress made me sick to my stomach (literally)....

2011 was supposed to be a new beginning, but shadows from the past managed to creep back in.  I was not myself.  I felt down and out.  I had trouble sleeping, even with sleeping pills.  There were nights where I would lie in bed all night, only to fall asleep at 8 am.  I was just plain exhausted.  I cancelled plans because I didn't feel like getting out of bed, let alone leave the house.  I got irritated easily, snapping back for no good reason.  On top of feeling lousy and tired, I was (and still am) incredibly anxious.  I have managed to keep myself from having a panic attack this last month, but am having a hell of a time calming myself down.  My short-term memory was fuzzy (still is a bit, but better) and I had a hard time concentrating on any one thing for a good period of time.  I started to write things down so I wouldn't forget, but would forget where I had written it down.  So I turned to my phone to give me notifications about appointments, even just simple tasks like calling this place or that.

Needless to say, school was not viable in this state of mind (or work for that matter).  It was a hard decision, since I have only 6 courses left to complete my Bachelor of Commerce degree, but I withdrew from school for this semester.  I have every intention on going back in the fall, however it means that we had to make changes to our future plans.  And I know that my husband understands, but I can't help but feel guilty sometimes.  Things happen for a reason, it's just hard to see that now.

Hopefully, things will turn around.  I've started to meditate Wednesday and hope to keep up with it everyday to deal with my anxiety.  And so the search for balance continues....As they say, namaste ;)

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